Some days I feel like that dog you see in the window of the car you pull up behind. You know, the one with head just bobbing up and down, up and down, up and down. I stare at it, mesmerized, it just bobs all day long if there is motion feeding it. That’s how I feel. Like I’m bobbing along, just keep feeding me motion and I’ll keep bobbing along. No thought, no focus, no intention, no idea what on earth my purpose is, just bobbing. SNAP OUT OF IT. I want to feel important again, I want to feel needed, wanted, I want to feel, that’s it, I want to FEEL. I’m so tired of not being somebody, not being needed by somebody, not wanted, not being wanted by somebody, I want to feel someones arms around me, not the hug of a child or the hug of a family member, I want to be embraced, I want to feel that electric charge, how I miss when I would just lean into him and he would put his arms around me and I would drift off. I know, can you tell today is not a good day for emotions. I want to scream, yell, throw things. I’m mad, pissed, hurt, lonely. I want to be mad at him for getting sick and leaving me. I want to be mad at myself for feeling this way. I know I sound like a raging lunatic, believe me it’s no better inside my mind. But, the bad days are further apart now. There are more good days than bad. When it hurts, it’s not for long. A good memory usually will come along and bring a smile to my face replacing the tears. I’m still moving ahead with going out and mingling with people. I have joined another group. They tend to go on day trips and week trips, also dances and plays. Both groups are different, one outdoor activities the other more indoor. Different people, different events. On October 5, I have signed up for the first dance. That will be interesting. Jim really didn’t like to go out to things like that and I did. We will see how it goes. I think the raging lunatic has calmed, a docile lamb now. Just another day. One down and many more to tackle.
- A Memory….. (mistysounds.wordpress.com)