November, the small stroll to Christmas….

Fall has arrived, Halloween come and gone.  The trees that still have leaves are red, yellow and golden, a sadness almost enters but the warm fresh woodsy smell of fall chases that away.  Not far away is Christmas, the land blanketed by a fresh fall of snow.  I love the season changes, but fall and winter have to be my favorite.  Life is settled for now in our home.  The kids are nearing the end of the first semester.  Wishes are being hinted for Christmas and work is winding down for the Christmas break in December.  We chose to plan a trip to Florida in March, so, that means in order to save the money the Christmas lists needed to be cut a little smaller.  The kids obliged quite happily.  The idea is that we will drive down in order to see the states we have never visited, travel over the mountains, a journey which will be long but exciting.  There have been a few upsets, but those involved were able to come to an agreement and understanding.  It was tense for a while and almost looked like I would be moving out.  He said he didn’t want to throw away all the years we have had together.  Mind you there are quite a few of those years I would like to forget.  He hasn’t gone back to therapy but he is trying.  The effort is seen by all.  I have had some health issues crop up as well.  I have been a migraine sufferer all my life.  Lately I developed a constantly stuffed nose, and daily headaches or migraines.  I was put on a nasal steroid which has been helping and a migraine prescribed med.  Also sent to a ears nose and throat specialist.  The good news is my sinus is clear and open but now reason as to why I’m stuffed.  So next it will be a cat scan.  Also I am being sent to a neurologist for the migraines.  I have a journal which I am to show him so maybe there will be some relief.  My fingers are crossed.  The new med I was prescribed is a miracle.  It stops the migraine within 45 minutes and the relief is wonderful.  Finally pain-free days.  For now though I set my sights on the changing scenery, and enjoy the sounds and smells of the next season.

So far, so good….

It’s been a month now,  more or less, since the last counselling appointment.  He hasn’t made anymore that I am aware of but also his attitude is different and he appears to be trying to be patient.  Every now and then a glimpse of impatience appears and is quickly turned into something else.  It is a long road and instant changes should not be expected however the negative habits will not be tolerated either.  We have made plans to go on a holiday to Florida next March.   The reservations have been made, the Disney tickets purchased.  Plans are under way and the kids are very excited.  We have never had a holiday like this much less even thought about one.  It will be a driving trip.  I will need some ingenious tactics for the two day drive in order to keep two teens entertained.  Life is good right now, the kids are back in school, fall is fast approaching.  Time to grab a cup of coffee, sit back, put my feet up and just bask in the blessings of the day, and smile…..

Her again….

The kids have started high school, it’s been a successful week.  They are enjoying their classes and the new people they have met.  The first day brought an unwelcome surprise at the end of the day.  They came out of school to return home and there parked beside my daughters car was none other than her, the other woman from the past, the snake that keeps slithering into my garden.  The kids said they laid it on real thick how good things are and how happy everyone is.  She didn’t speak to them, it was just her presence.  What is wrong with this grown woman that she still has to try and pry her way into our lives now seven years later.  Is she mentally unstable, is she that vindictive and jealous?  What on earth would compel a person to be so horrid.  She has millions of dollars, why would she not move on, it was a six month affair compared to my marriage of 8 years when it happened.  Did she think those six months would mean more to him compared to the 8 years.  We are now 15 years married and she is still prying her way into our lives.  Perhaps it’s the fact that her money couldn’t buy something.   She found a person that the money didn’t affect, she found a person she couldn’t buy, she found a life she couldn’t buy.  I’m proud of my children, they stood up to her presence, they stood up for our family.  In my opinion they did good.

A successful week…..

It has been a successful week.  There have been no major distractions or upsets.  Within the home are two teens eagerly preparing to return to school.  For one it is the first year.  For the other, a return to gain extra credits for university.  New clothes have been bought for the big day.  Stepping into high school for the first time can be scary, exciting and a little overwhelming to say the least.  Big sister has decided to attend the same school for her extra credits so that she can drive her brother for his first year.  It puts my mind at ease knowing he will have someone there to turn to if he runs into a problem.  My eldest has thick skin.  She’s a toughie but the youngest wears his heart on his sleeve and quite sensitive.  Funny it should be that way.  So one worry down and out of the way.  The other day we went out and bought him some new “threads” to head back in.  He was quite happy as this is not a common occurrence in our home.  Clothes we usually buy when needed.  But for school, it was never a habit I wanted to get into.  This time is different.  The eldest had the same treat.  When your heading out into the unknown it’s nice to at least feel good about what your wearing.  Sometimes it will give your confidence that little boost it needs.  Next week our challenge is school supplies, we will be getting the list on Tuesday of what is needed then we’ll head out on the scavenger hunt for the supplies.  Back to school……wow, in June, September seemed so far away.  It’s been a fast summer, and soon the days will become a little cooler, the leaves a little redder.  Before you know it, Fall.  Life has a way of speeding up when you least expect it.  Those days that seem to last forever, gone.

What will help really accomplish….

The first counselling appointment was on Saturday.  I didn’t ask what was said, what was said to him.  That is his business.  My concern is that he is honest, truthful, truthful not just to the Dr but to himself as well.  He gave me some insight on his own as to what went on.  It was amazing to hear him say that the Dr told him he was picky and that what he was getting angry about was no big deal.  Will any of this sink in, will any of this change.  Will he just think again that someone else is wrong and he is right.  Another appointment has been booked.  I don’t know how much of his life has been touched on, I know that one or two appointments isn’t going to even come close to touching on everything.  For now though a start has been made.

Been there and done that….

What a cliche.  Been around the block with him a few times too, and here I am making the same trip.  The appointment has not occurred yet.  It was a long weekend so in order to make use of the time we all did something different.  The kids thought he and I going away for a night was a great idea.  We would distance ourselves, have a relaxing time, talk, the kids would relax and do teen activities, yes that means, sleep and play video games….lol.  The weekend was a success, everyone enjoyed the time.  We ended up bringing his motorbike out on the Saturday morning, picking a direction and going.  The trip ended up being 1000 km, over the course of two nights instead of one.  It was nice to talk away from the environment that creates such anger in him.  It was nice that the two of us were able to think only about us.  The kids enjoyed the freedom, the ability to do what they wanted and the trust.  Both did a fantastic job, the house was still standing when we returned.  Counselling has not started yet for him, and it is hard to say what will happen, but one thing I know is that this past weekend will forever be a memory I will cherish.

See saw of life…..

Is it a pattern, is it a program that just re starts and runs over and over again.  From one extreme to the other, I’m confused.  Does the fear of being alone cause an angry person to suddenly become complacent and apologetic or is this just the ploy of an abuser.  Am I showing the signs of an abused person, looking for excuses, looking for reasons to blame other that him.  Why am I starting to question myself and not demand that he take responsibility for his actions.  Where and when does the cycle stop.  How do your break it once and for all.  I believe that this is a habit much harder to break than smoking, once you are stuck in that rut, deep in a pit, a mire of emotional insecurity.

He has made a doctors appointment.  That in itself is a huge step, the furthest he ever went before was saying he would.  The next step has been taken, the appointment has been made.  Actually it was made by him, I did not call for him, he phoned and made the appointment.  My next hope is that he will truly speak, speak from his heart, speak with the desire to mend the rip in our family, speak with the intention of creating a better future for not just us but himself.  Whether counseling keeps us together or shows we are not meant to be, as long as he can get help I will be happy.  I love him, I truly am in love with him and I want only the best, but, I want the best for my family as a whole and that is not happening right now.  I have faith, I believe God guides us and gives us only what we can handle, mind you I think he’s kind of pushing the issue right now, I am in a little over my head with what he is presenting me with and I can only ask him to guide me, I know I’ll never figure out why God picked me for this purpose, or just what his reasoning is for having us all go through this misery, but hopefully in the end it will be worth it.  lol.  Sorry God but some days I really question your sanity, lol………humor, the only thing that keeps me moving in a forward direction some days.

Talk, always talk but no resolution….

He wanted to talk to me, I said I would on one condition that he did not yell at me.  His reply was there would be no yelling.  Talking does not involve loud  voices, pointing the finger, blaming, it involves discussing the feelings of two people trying to come to a resolution, right?  He waited 24 hours before saying he was ready to talk, I went down to the rec room and started off by saying, I’m listening.  Four times I had to say that if he was going to yell I was leaving the room, it still proved too hard for him to talk without yelling or putting the blame on someone else for his behavior.  He still points the finger at the oldest.  Then came the vindictive slurs.  Since I chose to shun his family he would shun mine.  I asked for what reason and pointed out the fact that I did not involve myself with his family because they chose to support his choice of cheating and continued to have a relationship with this woman after we reconciled.  I was the bad one in their eyes.  Now I have her living on the street behind me, with her grandson in the same grade as mine, and this is deemed OK with them.  I asked him what my family did to him, he couldn’t answer, they still treated him with respect even after what he did.  They never spoke about how what he did hurt them.  When I asked him why he was being vindictive and what reason he had to shun them he had no response finally other than “they didn’t do anything”.  The conversation went nowhere, the typical, “oh yeah I’ll get help, and then I’ll be happy”.  I told him I really hoped that he would get help so that he could move on, find someone and hopefully be happy with them.  Then I got the old “I’ll never get involved with another person, I’d rather stay on my own, get a new bike and that will make me happy”.  Then 20 minutes later he is telling me he loves me.  The abuse is still there, the hurtful words are still there, the damaged minds of two children are still there.  I don’t know if he is really going to go to the doctor like he says his is this week, I don’t know what good it will really do.  Sometimes things are so deep set in a person that change is impossible.  Sometimes pain so deep has been caused that there is no healing…….

A horrible night….

Dear Readers,

First I want to thank you for going through all this with me, your comments, your support, your opinions are all appreciated.  Tonight the bomb dropped.  It has dropped to the lowest of lows, this is a family in utter crisis.  My last post was about what happened the other night, Sunday night to be exact.  It was unknown to me until tonight that the neighbors also heard what went on, the yelling by my husband.  Tonight was to be no different.  Only that tonight it was my turn to be yelled at and yelled over.  He is of the opinion he has done nothing wrong, that it is fine to use nasty comments and that everything is my oldest child’s  fault.  Not once has he been concerned with the fact that his son is upset, crying, shaking, worried.  Not once has he gone to his son.  He has thrown slurs at me this evening that he hopes I’m happy and that my life will be better now.  In the same breath he claims she has caused him all his problems.  He has blamed her since she was 5.  He asked me how long this was going to go on.  I saw no other recourse, no other remedy, no other way.  There was no talking, no discussing, he only yelled and pointed the finger.  There is only one answer and it pains me to say it, to think it, to even contemplate it.  It is the best for all concerned.  We obviously cannot be happy together.  It is time to part.  This time will be different.  The house will be sold, the break will be clean, no loose ends.  My son does not want to see his father, does not want to spend time with his father.   That hurts horribly, he says he does not want him in his life because of the tension he creates and the way he treats his sister.  Everything my husband claims I will go through, he is creating for himself.  The worst part is that I love him.  I care for him.  I care about his well being.  I have tried to suggest anger management but he just laughs at me.  Tonight he yelled so much that I was at the point wishing he would just hit me and be done with it.   The yelling goes on and on, and what he started yelling about changed four times.  No sense was to be made of it, anything I said he twisted.  I don’t want to be nervous, I don’t want to be in fear, I don’t want to be sad anymore.  The knot has gone from my throat and is now in my chest, solid.  Unmoving, lingering.  I was to work tonight but called my supervisor.  He told me not to worry to do what I needed to do, he heard my husband yelling in the back ground.  My supervisors main question was only “are you OK, do you need help”.  I have a wonderful group of supportive friends who do not take sides but give a shoulder to cry on, an ear that listens and positive words of encouragement.   Tonight the tears are flowing steady, they have been waiting a long time to be released, there is no turning them off.  My head feels as though a heavy weight is bearing down.  So many things to consider, think of, plan.  At this point, right now, this moment I do not see a very rosy future.  It will be a time of change, growth, hard work.  How long it will take to heal my children I don’t know.  They will need counselling.  As for myself, I will not trust another person to be involved with.  I have seen what one person does to one of my children, I cannot let someone do that to both of them.  It’s not a bleak outlook for me.  I am fine being on my own.  I do not need someone in my life to  feel complete.  I do not need to be in a relationship to feel worth.  For now it’s time to do what should have been done in entirety before.  We should never have got back together after he cheated on me before.  He told me himself once that it was a mistake to get involved with me, to get involved with someone who had a child.  He told me after we got back together in 2002 after I forgave him for cheating that he should never have come back.  Was I only fooling myself into thinking that he really loved me.  Was I only fooling myself thinking that maybe he wanted to be here.  I am fighting the thoughts of everything is my fault, that if I had only done something different everything would have been better, that he would have been happier.  Those are the thoughts of an abused person.  It is a trap that I am in, the fear of what am I going to do, how am I going to survive, how am I going to take care of the kids and I.  I am so thankful for the job I have.  Thankful for the support system I have.  For now, I need to figure out where I am, where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.  The house will be sold, whoever will take whatever, and I will try to figure out where the kids and I will live.  I would like to be able to take what I get and use it as a down payment on a small house.  I am young enough to start over with a mortgage, it would be a better investment.  It would be something for the future, somewhere to call home.  A safe secure place for my kids.  Wish me luck, this is a journey like no other.

The knot in my throat is growing…..

It was  to be a good night, an early night home from night shift.  That is something to always celebrate, but not tonight.  The knot in my throat is choking me.  It is building and rising.  My breath is coming fast, my senses are sharpened, I can smell copper, taste copper.  Fear, anger, sadness, all at the same time.  I left work and found a not on my phone from my oldest, “can you please come home”.  It was a plea, begging, a call for help.  She had forgotten I was coming home early and parked in the driveway,  he who believes himself God freaked.  According to my youngest, “the master” made the first move.  He started yelling at her about her car, not a simple “your mom is coming home early” he just started blasting her.  She eventually yelled back and his major phrase was “I will kick your fat ass”.  OK, yelling is one thing but when you start commenting on a persons size or saying you will inflict some sort of a beating then that is totally out of line.  She is feeling emotionally abused and she is right.  He is using intimidation, anger, violence and threats.  The question is why does he not see this as wrong.  Why does he feel this is acceptable.  She has said she will call the police the next time he threatens her, there shouldn’t have to be a next time.  There never should have been a first time.  I have not spoken with him yet.  I have been consoling the youngest who is very upset and mad at his dad for the behavior.  He is sick of hearing his father lose  control.  He is sick of the fighting.  The oldest is sleeping.  This gave me time to hear the events of the night from someone not involved.  He will be on the defensive the minute I approach him about what happened.   I’m not looking forward to it, it’s going to be awkward, tense, emotional.  I need to have my wits about me, not allow him to anger me or bait me into arguing.  I need to stick to the facts.  I’m nervous, I’m a bundle of raw nerves, rapid heart rate, sweating, in fear, I know the road I’ve walked it before.