A New Chapter A New Life

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Well for every new bend in the road there is a new path to follow. Mine is no different. With this new path are many new changes, new faces, and new challenges. 

Welcome to a new year of possibilities…..

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New Years Eve, chapter 2013, page 1 of 365
New Years Eve, chapter 2013, page 1 of 365

Let’s face it last year sucked.  It sucked the breath out of me, it sucked the life out of me, it sucked a bit of my self-esteem and most of who I am.  It was a crappy year that in retrospect made me stronger, more of a fighter to survive, and gave me the determination to find me.

After Jim passed away I was kept off work for three months.  I didn’t know some days if I was coming, going, what day it was or at times who I was.  I can’t say it was because of mourning, I have to be honest.  When he passed away it was more of a relief.  It was over, his pain, his not knowing what would happen next, and actually at the end it was us not knowing the next phase because he was sleeping all the time and no response could be brought about.  I was relieved.  I could now take care of myself and my son.  I could now focus on my own healing.  Years of healing necessary.

My first goal was to return to being me….weight lifting.  Jim didn’t like it, I looked like a dude he would say, so that was put to the side.  No longer, I could bring it out dust it off and see if that self would remember me.

Going out, no more Rapunzil. The hair was cut, funky colors added, and I joined a social group.  I refuse to be held captive in a tower any longer.

October, November and December were dedicated to me.  Being the best I can be, bringing who I am at heart back out again.  In the process I have made a large network of friends with similar interests, they encourage me in my goals and pursuits.  I’m happy, for once I’m really happy because people are accepting me for who I am.

So I am back, back to blogging with stories and adventures of my life part two….

2012 in review

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,800 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 7 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

A Milestone Reached

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A Milestone Reached

I am pleased to say that currently one of my books is distributed globally and the most recent two are in the process of global distribution. Although this can be a time-consuming process as the rules of self publishing are quite particular because you have to do all the work yourself and if it isn’t right they refuse it, so,  it is a proud moment to know your books are listed with distributors such as Amazon, Barnes&Noble, Bowker and Nielsen as well as having the ISBN listed in bibliographic databases worldwide.

Global Distribution

September in World wide

 Photo

Raging Lunatic…..who me?

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Some days I feel like that dog you see in the window of the car you pull up behind.  You know, the one with head just bobbing up and down, up and down, up and down.  I stare at it, mesmerized, it just bobs all day long if there is motion feeding it.  That’s how I feel.  Like I’m bobbing along, just keep feeding me motion and I’ll keep bobbing along.  No thought, no focus, no intention, no idea what on earth my purpose is, just bobbing.  SNAP OUT OF IT.  I want to feel important again, I want to feel needed, wanted, I want to feel, that’s it, I want to FEEL.  I’m so tired of not being somebody, not being needed by somebody, not wanted, not being wanted by somebody, I want to feel someones arms around me, not the hug of a child or the hug of a family member, I want to be embraced, I want to feel that electric charge, how I miss when I would just lean into him and he would put his arms around me and I would drift off.  I know, can you tell today is not a good day for emotions.  I want to scream, yell, throw things.  I’m mad, pissed, hurt, lonely.  I want to be mad at him for getting sick and leaving me.  I want to be mad at myself for feeling this way.  I know I sound like a raging lunatic, believe me it’s no better inside my mind.  But, the bad days are further apart now.  There are more good days than bad.  When it hurts, it’s not for long.  A good memory usually will come along and bring a smile to my face replacing the tears.  I’m still moving ahead with going out and mingling with people.  I have joined another group.  They tend to go on day trips and week trips, also dances and plays.  Both groups are different, one outdoor activities the other more indoor.  Different people, different events.  On October 5, I have signed up for the first dance.  That will be interesting.  Jim really didn’t like to go out to things like that and I did.  We will see how it goes.  I think the raging lunatic has calmed, a docile lamb now.  Just another day.  One down and many more to tackle.

One step forward, one at a time….

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You can only clean a house from top to bottom so many days in a row until even the dust starts waving a white flag claiming defeat.  Day in and day out I get up clean, take the dog out, see the lawyer or the bank, ignore the phone and clean some more.  Next day, same routine.  So in an effort to switch things up I have taken a step, pushed myself to join a local social activities club and I have signed up for two events already…hiking which includes a geocash sport that I’ve never tried before and outdoor bow archery inspired by the Hunger Games.  They have different things at different times and you can join in on as many or as few as you wish.  There are single, divorced, widowed,  older, younger, the same age and couples.  But I think the whole thing to remember here is that this is a group of people who are doing things that I’m interested in.  I’ve ordered my snowshoes for the winter hikes, my daughter wants to try skiing when she comes home to visit and I said sure.  Bunny hills here I come!

 

Skeletons in the closet…

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I have learned more  about my husband in the last month since he passed away than I knew about him the nineteen years we were together.  He had many secrets, a tortured soul, a low self-esteem that fed a wounded spirit.  I never really knew or saw the person he truly was.  He struggled daily with simple decisions, he needed someone to make a choice for him, even when driving if it meant going left or right.  For me there were times it was frustrating during our life together, he was the man and I wanted him to take the lead.  I didn’t want to be the dominant one in the relationship, I wanted a man to look after me, someone strong, someone I can look up to, someone I can go to for advice. Now when I look back I understand more his behavior, his secrets were causing most of his issues.  I learned even the schools he said he went to weren’t true, stigma associated with vocational schools. When that came to light I was shocked.  There is more but what is important here is the life lost, his, he lost a life he never knew.  Things could have been so different he didn’t need to hide who he was from me, I fell in love with the man I met on the outside, that means the whole package goes along, past included.  Your education means nothing, skills you have  that are learned over time , on the job skills, from a forty-year career far out way any thing you would learn in high school.  During our nineteen years together we had a separation, we worked it out, we fought, we went to counseling, we loved, we hated, we yelled, we were silent, we were together till death do us part.  I think he really did love me, and only kept secrets for good reasons.  One of his sisters said he thought he was never good enough for me.   I wish he had talked to me about some of this.  But, all of this is water under the bridge.  He is gone and I am left to pick up the pieces.  I am not bitter, I loved  him, I miss him, I cry often.  If someone comes along that catches my eye so be it. I’m not going to say I won’t get involved with anyone because I don’t know if I will or not, it all depends if the right one comes along like Jim did.  I was comfortable with him, he accepted me for who I was, faults and all how ironic.  He knew my past, my secrets, he knew me and how I ticked.  I don’t think I will ever find another Jim, that’s what hurts the most.