Card game with the devil….

How do you explain the feeling when your very breath has been taken from you other than being in a card game with the devil. One hand looks encouraging but you’re afraid to be too hopeful in case you bring bad luck. The next hand dealt is what you feared, cards wrapped with the bony white cold fingers of looming death. Beneath it all you have sparks of hope, how can you not…when your spouse is facing the road that is rocky with cancer how do you support them, how do help them get through the pain, how do you help them face the fear. And the children, what words do you choose to ease their pain of losing a parent, knowing its going to happen but not knowing when. I find strength in God, when I can’t do it on my own I reach out. A song that has been a support is “Calling all angels” by Train. When I need to be strong and the support for my family I thank God for the blessings he has given us and listen to Calling all angels. Somedays it’s just like the words in the song…”I need a sign, to let me know your here”

A new journey…

Today is the first day of a long journey.  Risse came home from Alberta and both she and Jim have a new relationship, the past was put where  it belongs and they moved on.  They get along, talk, everything is different. Last October Jim was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  Then October 31 changed.  He started to feel sick, couldn’t swallow or drink.  The family dr wasn’t very helpful, said he had heartburn acid reflux and to take antacids.  Jim started losing weight, still the dr didn’t listen, and if we tried to make an appointment it would be three weeks to get in.   For the last month Jim has had a nasty cough, yesterday he started to cough up blood.  I said lets go to the hospital, they were great. The ordered blood tests and a chest X-ray.  She said after she wanted a ct scan also.  Today he went  for an ultrasound and while there they said they were doing the ct scan. The results are not encouraging. They found spots on his lung and liver and there is something pressing into his esophagus.   Just when things start to work out the world crashes around you…there is a saying, you don’t know how strong you are until you have to be…..

I’m Back…..

Wow, what a few months that have passed.  We’ve had counseling, Christmas, music lessons, heart attacks, pacemaker surgery, kids moving, kids freaking out, moms freaking out, dad’s freaking out, pets dieing……did I mention mom’s freaking out.  lol

STOP!

Ok, let me take a deep breath, let it out and start somewhere that I can at least make some of this sound like there is a little bit of sense, who am I kidding about making sense, lol.

I was going to leave my beloved husband last summer.  We started seeing a marriage counselor.  After I lost almost forty pounds even my counselor said things were not going well.  I finally looked at him and said it’s not that I don’t love you, I just can’t live with the anger, the stress, the not knowing, I just can’t go on this way any longer.  He asked me if he went to anger management would I consider postponing my decision, I said yes.  I’m still here….he started the appointments with the counselor on his own.  I think there was some progress made.  More than in the past.  In December he had surgery for a pacemaker.  Actually to be specific an ICD, implantable cardioverter defibrillator.  Say that five times fast.  Our daughter came home in January for her Christmas break.  She moved to Alberta in September, to work in a resort.  She loves it there, loves the job, the people.  A friend came with her that lives out of the country.  So I had two girls for Christmas in January.  Hubby was really good.  It was a great week.  No tempers, I was on edge though because I didn’t know really how it would go.  He did really try to be sociable.  I could see it.  He is trying to keep his anger and temper at bay and talk about what is bothering him.  So something clicked.  Now my darling daughter has decided to travel to Australia!  My kid the traveler, lol.  What can I say.  I’m proud of her.  She is strong,  independent and self-sufficient.

Ah, now the other news.  My charming son and I have begun music lessons.  For Christmas, there was drums and an electric guitar under the tree. lol  I am the drummer.  I have been absolutely having a blast.  It is refreshing, exciting, totally freeing.  I love the sound, the boom, the way it resonates inside your body.  The beating is like your heart….keep it beating, don’t let it stop.

Vacation wasn’t to be….

So the July long weekend he went away with his brother and another guy on the motorbikes, left the friday morning and came back the sunday night…..my question was when would we go away.  It was to be the next long weekend, great!  That would tie in with my vacation, the August long weekend ran right into my vacation.  What did he plan…..nothing.  I even tried to find out by asking a question the week before, so maybe we will go out for dinner saturday night????  Sure was his reply, I had hoped more for an answer like “well, we will be leaving saturday morning…” there was nothing.  He never gave going away another thought after the words left his mouth in July.  I was disappointed, let down, but most of all I had let myself down for believing.  I thought maybe this time would be different.  What a crock.  Why would this be any different.  He has never planned anything in 17 years.  He sat in the therapists office and said he wanted alone time with me, that he wanted to go places with me, but he isn’t willing to put any effort into making it happen.  Anytime we have done anything or gone anywhere I have had to plan it, and push him into going.  He hasn’t wanted to go, it has been a chore for him to go, he doesn’t even take vacation with me.  Why would I have thought he would have changed.  I have let myself down once again.

Session Two…

Some interesting questions were asked that make you wanna go hm mm.  One in particular was to him…do you really want to be in this relationship.  I brought up the fact that twice he said to me he didn’t.  The first being it was a mistake to get involved with someone with a child and the second it was a mistake to come back so quickly after the separation.  He denied both at first and I looked at him, shook my head, I couldn’t believe he was sitting there denying it.  I said that out loud, how can you sit there and lie.  He did eventually in a round about way try to smooth out what he said and try to make it sound better.  We are at counseling to work this out, why on earth would he still lie or try to butter things up, own up to your mistakes, finally take ownership of what you have done, make amends, start to clean up the mess.  Is it that hard to say you are wrong?????

I’m distant…..

I’ve been distant since the first counseling appointment.  What did I expect?  Maybe I thought he would see the light, have some sort of epiphany, see that maybe he had a lot to be thankful for and he could one day lose all of it through his fingers like sand.  I guess in a way I’m starting to see him for who he really is.  The person he is to the core.  I never really did gain much trust back after the affair, but then again I lost respect for him also.  I lost faith in him as a partner.  There isn’t much left in a relationship if you don’t have any of those components.  Just two people struggling.  Maybe that is why there has been so much tension and why he has never been able to accept my daughter.  I don’t know if counseling is going to do anything other than maybe bring us to a crossroad.  It may end up bringing us to a calm decision of what do we really want.  Do we want to continue this destructive path.  Do we want to continue this negative pattern.  My daughter may grow up and move out but she will never truly be gone, she will always be around.  I don’t know that I can live forever with the stomach turning, knot churning feeling inside when I watch the snarl on his face when he looks at her or hear the negative tone in his voice when he yells at her.  There is still no resolution, I know it’s only been one session, but I don’t see any miracles, and I don’t really know that the path is being laid out for us to stay together.  One thing is certain, only time will tell…..

Throwing her under the bus….

We went for our first counseling appointment.  I can’t say I was surprised at how he responded.  My son became emotional which I expected, he has a lot built up inside which needs to be broken down and brought out.  My daughter chose not to go, she doesn’t want to be in the same room with him, being her father, and can you blame her….more on that later.  To cut to the chase the kids will be going alone so they are able to receive some one on one alone.  Jim and I will go as a couple, no kids.

Now, back to the session.  He became somewhat angry, stiff bodied, pointing the finger in body language, basically throwing my daughter under the bus that it was her fault.  The therapist did bring out the comments of his childhood, bang, hit the nail on the head or what, his childhood.  She even asked him if he had issues with his sisters which he denied.  He hates his sisters, he will make negative comments about them every chance he gets.  I made sure I put my two cents in when he denied something and the counselor looked at me I shook my head.  I made sure she knew he picked on my daughter for the last 14 years, I made sure she knew he called her names, I made sure she knew that I was afraid of him, I made sure she knew that he yelled and bullied and had road rage.  She asked him if he thought he had an anger management problem he said no, I said yes and said we can’t drive any where without him cursing at someone, we can’t stand in a cash out line without him cursing.  I won’t be holding back, I wasn’t easy on myself either, I made sure she knew that was not innocent, that when the children were little I would yell at them to stop doing things or making noise because it would upset him.  Then it was brought to my attention I was doing this.  I went for counseling to stop it, to be better, to help them, when I talked to him about it, he said he was fine the problem was me.  He even had the audacity to sit in the office and try to joke and say to the counselor “you can ask her, I’m pretty much close to being perfect.”  I felt sick to my stomach.   Since the appointment I have seen him in a different light.  I am going over things in my head.  The next appointment is July 13.  It will be just him and I.  Our son won’t be in the room and I don’t expect it will be as civil as the last one.  I feel the next one he will lose his cool a little more.  We have only just started.  He made accusations against my daughter about her doing nothing and then when I said she would be leaving work as I was coming in, the counselor stopped me and looked at him and said, “I thought you said she did nothing…” and his response was “well she just got the job”, I looked at the counselor and responded, “she quit her part-time job when she finished high school to get the full-time job to save for the schooling she wants to start in September” and the counselor looked at him and said “but you said she does nothing, it doesn’t sound like she does nothing, it sounds like she does a lot”, he had nothing.  Then he tried to say that she slept all day or would be gone all night or in her room all the time.  The counselor just looked and said she works shifts she needs to sleep, she wants to spend time with her friends not you, and if you’re treating her like this can you blame her for not wanting to come out of her room.  We have only just scratched the surface, but I think he will be like a drowning victim, he’s going to show an ugly side.  Wish me luck.

I’m here…..

Around and around and around…..it’s strange how things can change, how things can turn a person’s life around.  How one instant a negative person is affecting everyone else s life by their negativity and the next moment they are affecting those around them by different circumstances.

Jim went for his angioplasty test last Wednesday and I don’t think that reality has set in yet.  Apparently his heart is functioning at 20 percent, and they are talking about putting in a pacemaker.  Curious how someone so callous and cruel is now looking at the grim reaper in the face.  He is in denial, he is ignoring the doctors and nurses and the orders of everything he has been told not to do.  He is doing it or has done it.  He has been as crotchety as ever with Risse.  Yes, over a pair of shoes sitting in the hall, over a knife in the sink.  Will he ever get it, or will it be too late, will it be on his death-bed when there is no time left, will that moment of appreciation for life come too late.

Counseling will begin on the 21 of June.  I don’t know if Risse wants to go or not, but, the three of us will be going.  Dak needs it.  He needs an outlet.  Jim needs to get in there for multiple reasons.  I need to get in there for multiple reasons.  Hopefully Risse will go one of the times just to talk.  This time the whole truth will be coming out and Jim will not be going in once and telling only his side of the story, there will be myself and Dak there as well.  As the saying goes, and now for the rest of the story…….

Somethings change, somethings stay the same….

So I have sold my motorcycle.  Those of you that have been reading from the start know that Willow Dreams is the book written about my separation.  At the end I started riding a motorcycle, and her name was Willow.  One book ends so another may start, a new beginning, you have to allow the past to stay behind to allow the future to unfold in front of  you…..hanging on only keeps you in the past.  So onward and upward.  It’s hard, I haven’t been riding, I don’t even know why I was keeping it.  I was not enjoying myself anymore.  It was just a treasure, look at it and say I have one.  Take it out and then put it away for another day.  Once I had advertised the bike she sold within 24 hrs.  That fast.  The couple was very nice, I had no ill feelings, no sadness, nothing.  I think Jim was more upset to see the bike go.  The time has come to put more importance on people rather than possessions.  Which, brings me to last night, I spent the most incredible evening with my son.  Our city put together a festival that included six bands over eight hours, we had a blast! We were right up front, I was able to get a picture of my son with one of the musicians, it was incredible.  He had a wonderful time, the tickets were bought as a birthday gift and he went with his mom and dad.  Jim went back to car part way through which was understandable.  But the evening was great.

My

The Trews

Darkest Days

Our Lady Peace

Marianas Trench

Karma…..

Just how does Karma work.  Does it sit inside you.  For good karma, is it a positive flowing energy that propels you forward, edging you onward towards the goals you seek.   Does negative eat away at you, gnawing at your mind, your soul, your energy.  What does it do to your spirit.  How does it really affect you.

We have had Karma visit us.  That is a profound statement isn’t it.  I believe it is Karma.  Others may feel it isn’t.  But to me it is Karma.

I have always enjoyed music, it flows into my soul, lifts me out of the depths of despair.  I can be having the worst day and if I hear an upbeat song the next thing you’ll see is me dancing around.  I think it is safe to say I love music.  Gowan, yes, that Strange Animal has been a favorite from my teenage years and the weekend of mothers day he was having a 25 year reunion of the Strange Animal release in Niagara Falls.  What a fantastic opportunity that would be.  However, the tickets were sold out.  Saturday morning I was on Facebook, and lo and behold there before me were the words “would anyone like a free ticket to the Gowan concert tonight”.  No way!!!!!!!!  Long story short I contacted the lady who had the free ticket.  I have a new friend Diane, she was a hoot.  I went to the concert had a wonderful time, enjoyed my self immensely, did something I would never have done!  Met up with a stranger to go to a concert, can you imagine.  The evening was wonderful, the concert was magic, I picked up a t-shirt for myself, a CD, some pins and guitar picks for my son who also is a fan of Lawrence Gowan who also is the keyboard player for Styx, lol.  My son’s favorite band, but that is another story……..so saturday night we have good karma…..but with good we have bad……and we all know what has been going on in my life lately.

Jim has not been feeling well lately.  I have been pestering him to go to the Dr. but to no avail.  He gets up in the middle of the night and will just sit downstairs in the living room.  Sunday morning, mothers day, I got up to find him once again sitting in the living room.  He had been there all night.  His legs were swollen from the knees down.  He has been having trouble breathing in the middle of the night.  I told him we would either drive to the hospital or I would call 911.  He said he would be fine and laughed, I said no, and repeated myself, we drive or 911.  Again the denial, I picked up the phone to show him how serious I was.  He looked at me and said, we’ll drive.  When we got to the hospital it was amazing how fast they admitted him….bottom line, they told him he was lucky I brought him in.  His heart beat was irregular and 183 beats per minute, he had a heart attack and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  A very lucky man that Karma had come to visit.  He was in the hospital for four days.  We are now looking at an angiogram, excuse the spelling, I’m still not used to all the medical terms I’ve heard in the last week.  He has had an echo gram which showed some damage to his heart because of the heart attack.  Scary to not know your having a heart attack, but I don’t know if he has had that “ah ha” moment.  I have had an overwhelming response of support from my friends.  Sleep is a little sparse right now.  But you know what, I have a wonderful evening given to me by a stranger who became a friend, a concert I didn’t think I would get to go to.  Something I wouldn’t normally do, out of my comfort range, but it was exciting and great to do.  I had fun, I have memories, I have strength and support.  I have good Karma……..